Father Ted’s House to Loop Head – 10 things for The Donald to do in Clare
US President Donald Trump's state visit to Britain on June 3-5 has set tongues wagging about a possible Irish trip.
If he makes it to Ireland, there would be protests, of course. But swapping the West Wing for west Clare would shine a mega spotlight on a stunning coastline.
So if The Donald does make it to his resort in Doonbeg, what should he see and do in Co Clare?
1. The West Clare White House
This one's a no-brainer. "I have a very warm spot for Doonbeg, I will tell you that," Potus has said.
Trump Doonbeg (or Trump International Golf Links and Hotel, Doonbeg, to give it the full title) was acquired by Trump in 2014, and boasts a Greg Norman-designed golf course. He once described it as "small potatoes", but this is a quality resort employing over 300 staff who may well feel frustrated at judgments based on its owner rather than the experience.
Is it too early to talk of an Irish Mar-a-Lago?
2. MAGA hats at the Cliffs of Moher
No 1 on the list of Doonbeg daytrips should be the Cliffs of Moher. The photo-op would be perfect for a Trumpian thumbs-up. But it can be windy in these parts. Maga hats will be a must to contain the presidential mane.
3. Tea at Father Ted's House
Today's White House shenanigans wouldn't seem out of place in a certain parochial house ("I'm no good at judging the size of crowds, Ted, but I'd say there's about 17 million of them out there," as Fr Sean Spicer might have put it).
Ecumenical matters aside, Father Ted's house can be visited for tea and scones – Glenquin Farmhouse sits in splendid isolation near the Burren National Park, where Cheryl McCormack welcomes guests and shares filming stories from just €10pp (booking essential, fathertedshouse.com).
Ah, go on.
4. Kick back in Kilkee
Mr Trump may be "the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency", as a personal physician's letter claimed in 2015.
But being Prez is a stressful business… and nothing relieves stress like a touch of thalassotherapy in Kilkee. As generations of holidaymakers know, seaweed baths (or better still, a dip in the Pollock Holes) will take years off you.
Could the Commander-in-Chief join a seisún?
We know he's partial to Kanye West, but West Clare's lively trad scene could tempt Donald from Doonbeg. His possible dates are a little early for Willie Clancy Week (July 6-14), but a quick Diet Coke (Trump is a teetotaller) at O'Connor's in Doolin or Friel's in Milltown Malbay could be just the ticket.
6. Happy Meals
McDonald Trump is cautious about where his burgers come from, but Clare could be his chance to experiment with pristine Irish produce.
What about a trip to Ireland's only Michelin Star pub, Lisdoonvarna's Wild Honey Inn? Or a sizzling steak and seafood at Naughton's of Kilkee? The Long Dock in Carrigaholt is another foodie gem… down to its homemade ice cream.
7. Avoid Seán O'Rourke
Seán O'Rourke doesn't do Fake News. The RTÉ broadcaster famously asked Trump about his hair on his last visit to Ireland, in 2014. "That a**hole from the radio," Trump later huffed to the 'Sunday Independent'.
As well as hiding out at Doonbeg, Potus can escape the media by going underground at Doolin or Aillwee caves, or pursuing his passion for walls at one of West Clare's best-kept secrets, the Vandeleur Walled Gardens in Kilrush.